Whack All Their Troubles Away

Russian scientists at the Novosibirsk Institute of Medicine claim they have found a novel treatment for overcoming all sorts of aliments ranging from mental health problems to alcoholism. This new therapy calls for about 60 whacks to the ass with a cane (but any blunt instrument would probably do).

Finally! Empirical data to back up what sadomasochists, cruel mothers and fathers, violent husbands/boyfriends (and the occasional wife/girlfriend), and bullies have always known to be true. Physical pain does induce significant behavioral change.

That explains why I felt so fantastic after my father "treated" me for being moody, lying, talking back, getting in the way, challenging him, etc. Clearly, I needed some sort of "therapy" to curb the development of any future mental health condition. We all need a good whack every once in awhile, right?

I wonder are the whacks only effective when directed to the ass. Do blows to the head or gut work the same way? How many blows are too many blows? Does the intensity of the caning matter? Does the purpose of the caning matter? Does the victim, I mean patient, have to consent to the treatment? Clearly, these questions warrant more research in this area.

Nonetheless, I think these scientists are really on to something here. I am so relieved they are focusing their energy in the right direction. In a country where domestic violence and violence against women and children is a pervasive problem, the only appropriate thing to do is to justify such actions.