Speculgum

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner. It was time for my annual physical (not the gynecological kind, just the regular old fashioned let's-see-how-you-are-doing-and-send-you-on-your-way-home kind).

The nurse's assistant called me into the exam room and told me to put by things on a chair. As she proceeded to check my vitals (perfect blood pressure and same body weight as last year, by the way), I started looking around the room for a receptacle for my chewing gum. I chewed it for so long that it lost its flavor and became a mere annoyance in my mouth. Plus, I wanted to be able to speak to my NP without gum in my mouth. "Aha, there it is! I'll just spit this out once she leaves the room," I thought.

The nurse's assistant handed me my gown and what looked like a bed sheet and told me to take everything but my bra and underwear off. Smiling at her I took hold of the so-called garments from her hand and acted like I was about to get undressed.

I have always found the moment between undressing and having the doctor (or, NP in my case) enter the exam room as a bit unsettling and anxiety provoking. The trick is to undress, don the examination vestments, situate oneself on the examination table, and look as if one has been waiting patiently for the doctor (or, NP) as quickly as possible. Spitting my gum out in a timely manner only added to the aforementioned list of things-to-do before the NP entered the exam room, thereby increasing my anxiety by just a tad.

As the nurse's assistant walked out of the room, I quickly headed for the receptacle I spotted earlier. I lifted the lid and spat my stale piece of chewing gum into it. The gum began its free fall into the receptacle. Mid-descent I realized that my gum wasn't headed for the trash bin at all, but into a vat of disinfectant used for spent speculums. I stood their frozen in time when time is something I did not have much of, as I watched my gum float to the bottom of the bin making its way through an entangled speculum orgy.

Since time was of the essence, I chose to ignore what I had done and continued to get undressed and redressed for my NP. (Done in less than one minute.) I considered telling my NP about what I had done, but decided against it lest she not take me seriously and think me some kind of anxious freak. (Which admittedly, I am.) Instead, after my appointment I scouted around and located the nurse's assistant to tell her what I had done. Her response and reaction to my confession was so quick that I believe she already knew. (I thought I saw her catching a glimpse of me as I spit my gum out into the receptacle just as she was closing the door.)

According to the NP's assistant, I am not the first one to mistake the spent speculum container for a trash can.

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